When i need you!

Last night my daughter woke me up at 12am after she went to bed at 8pm.
I went to her room and was determined not to feed her coz everytime she sees my face she wants to be fed. (I breastfeed so...)

Anyway i went in, gave her some water and she was clinging on to me so i would carry her. Instead i put her down on her pillow patting her back and saying "Hooo... Hooo" willing her to sleep. Ofcourse she cried and screamed but after a while she started going to sleep. Then a couple of minutes passed (2-3 minutes coz i keep counting) i stopped patting her and sat in the bed beside her for a couple of seconds. Only to find her get up and start crying again.

So i patted her again and she went to sleep. I sat down for a while to make sure i wont have to make the trip back to her room as soon as i get in my bed. She didnt wake up. So i got up and headed for the door. ANd before i could open the door... she was up looking at me and crying. (Mind that its pitch black and i cant even see her... let alone she see me!)

PFFFF.. so i went back and patted her on the back until she slept... and this time instead of leaving the room, i slept in the bed next to hers. (SHe has a baby crib and i have a single bed in the same room ie we are not close to each other at all)

I coughed and sneezed and everything in the world but she didnt wake up.

After a while she stood up in bed and started to whimper... so i said "hooo...hooo" without getting out of bed. So she dropped back down on her pillow and slept.

She woke up twice just to check im in the next bed and went back to sleep.

I was actually shocked, fascinated and flattered.

I dont usually sleep beside her or with her in the same room at all... but it was weird to feel that she doesnt want anything from me. She just wanted to know i was there. There at any moment she wakes up!

I have to admit... its a good feeling to feel needed and wanted. I also have to admit that often times if we are always there coz we want to feel like our children need us we would probably destroy their lives and their sense of responsibility, and confidence and most of all independance.

I have always had a problem with independance... always felt like i need someone to be there. Just be there and not do anything for me. Its relieving and i know how my daughter would feel. But i also know that when the years went by, this lack of independance often paralyzed me. Paralyzed my thinking and my actions. Made my mind go blank when i needed to solve a problem most coz i always thought that someone will be there for me. Made me afraid to walk alone to a macdonalds counter and give in an order. I always wanted my mom or dad to be there.
OOOH the sense of relief and peace when i know they are standing right there behind me. OOOH it was soo good. But i was in trouble... coz i knew that they wont always be there behind me.

Until this day of my life, i must say that i have the same problem but in a less severe way. I still feel the need for psychological support by just feeling that some one is there.

But today... and after last night... i have felt a bit of change. I have felt like i need to be outgoing and courageous... because today someone needs my support and needs to see how much i believe in her confidence and will need to be trained for independance just like my parents strived to do for me.
I must show more confidence, more outgoingness, more everything that i actually have very little of. :))

Well... I am working on it. But i must say that this feeling of being the one responsible for someone so tiny... it really gives me a push. After last night i will try to be a better person... and as weird enough to say this as it is... i'll try to be a good Mom!! (YIKES...SCARY!!)